Cutting Ties


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Over the past few weeks it has become incredibly clear to me that there are people in my life who no longer want to be a part of it. Now this makes me sound really naive. But most of them I realized this awhile ago and I guess I just let things fade between us.

For those I feel I should have asked why our relationship had drifted. But I was admittedly trying to make a life with my husband. And I believe these people may have drifted because they didn’t approve of how I handled situations between myself and my husband. Or maybe they saw how astringent my personality is and decided we couldn’t continue our association. I guess I’ll never know.

But the developments of that last few weeks and the actions of some people have shown me how they really feel about me. Now my husband says that sometimes I read too much into things. But even he has to admit that in these new developments, the distancing and abrupt removal is baffling.

All the cases have brought out my inner child. And by that I mean feelings of inadequacy and abandonment that I thought I had overcome, are back. I try to tell myself that it’s their loss. This choosing to cut me out of their lives.

But the truth is, it’s a group loss. These are people I love. Some are actual family. So we lose out family ties. And any children my husband and I may one day have, have lost their kinship and it’s network.

I’ll be able to move on. But the hurt and the questions will never go away.

Is some of it my fault? Yes, but if you never voice your problem with a person, then they can never try to fix it. And who knows, maybe it’s something that I can’t or won’t change. Maybe they’ve distanced themselves due to my condition. Maybe they think it’s contagious. Maybe they think it makes me a freak.

If it’s the last option I don’t need or want them in my life. MRKH or Rokitansky Syndrome is not something I brought onto myself. It is how God made me.

If it’s my personality or my actions, I can understand their displeasure or their belief that I am wrong. However, I feel that we should have been able to discuss the difference in opinions. Not just sever ties without a word. Or worse the cold and quiet shoulder.

Whatever the case is/was they have made it clear that I and my extension my husband are not wanted in their lives. And now I guess the best way to move on is for us to live a happy and fulling life. Building the dreams and family that we want, and not looking back in regret.




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The original plan was to write this as a Facebook post and just tag Husby in it. However, I realized that it may become too long for Facebook and thus would have almost no reads. I am hoping in this format I can share on Facebook and then have friends and family message me. Of course any polite, non judgmental public reader response would be most appreciated. With that being said, here goes.

I was born with MRKH it’s a genetical condition that in the simplest explanation means I was born with out a uterus. I have ovaries so IVF and GS are options that Husby and I are working toward.

There is of course another option. One that Husby and I feel called upon to take its option as well. This option of course being adoption. There are some many children in need of homes and loving families in this world. We want to be one of those families. However, the road to adoption is vet confusing and we’re not sure we’re to turn. The internet is actually a hindrance here. There are so many scam sites.

That is the reason for this post. We asking for help. We know how to go about adopting from the state, but what other adoption avenues are there? We’re not saying we don’t want a child from our state agency, we’re saying we don’t trust our state department of child welfare. And we don’t feel comfortable dealing with them. So what are our other options? How do we even start the process? How do home inspections work? How do they handle it if you have in-door out-door large breed dogs?

Can anyone help to point us in the right direction?

Marriage in the Modern Age


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I feel like in this digital age we’ve forgotten how to communicate.

You see Husby thinks I call and text him too much while he’s at work. And maybe I do. And to be fair he never calls me, although that could be because I can’t talk on my phone at work. But anyway, that’s another discussion.

My problem is that I feel that when he as at work and talking to me on the phone is the only time I have his full attention. There are so many distractions at home and in the car. But not so much at work. I sent an email to his work email today. iPhones have this nifty feature that tells you when someone has read their text message. Three read text messages and no response. So I sent him an email with the same question. Still no response. And I’m getting frustrated. All I want is for him to go pick up dog food since he gets off work an hour before I would.

I find it increasingly harder to get him to listen and then to remember what I’ve said. If were to ask him to repeat what I said five minutes later, he couldn’t do it. And I believe that it’s because of all of the distractions that we have. I was trying to talk to him last night in the car and I glance over and he’s playing on his phone. So unbelievably frustrating.

Marriage Today, Happy Wives Club, and Dating Divas all talk about how we as women should nurture and support our husbands. Show them how much we love and respect them and appreciate all that they do for our families. How we should make it our priority to be enthusiastic when they get home from work. But what about us? Why do men not have to show respect, attentiveness, and appreciation for all that their wives do?

I work two jobs and go to school part-time. I get home after Husby does. I do go into work later, but I have class before work. I get home an hour after he does and I still prepare dinner nearly every night. The nights that I don’t we eat out.

Husby does not greet me when I walk in the door, he’s either playing on the computer or working on his research. He does not even notice if I’m going in the door late, but you know if I failed to notice such things I’d fail as a wife. He does not thank me for preparing dinner. So I ask, why should I think him for “earning” the food if he doesn’t thank me for making it safe to eat?

Why is it that as wives we are supposed to maintain the late 19th/ early 20th century ideal of the perfect wife when times have changed? It’s just a hard pill to swallow that I am expected to do work outside the home and still maintain a perfect home life. And I’m supposed to listen to him and be respectful and not interrupt. He however can interrupt me all he wants and can do things that don’t give me his 100% attention.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Put the electronics away and talk to each other. No TV or radio in the background, no cellphones in hand. Let’s see how much better we can listen to each other. And maybe we can find this new place for husbands and wives in a world where we both have work outside of the home and where we share the work with inside the home.


I have a love/hate relationship with math. Some days I get mad because the topics don’t seem to have real world applications. So I wonder why I am learning them. Other days, like today, the topic is so incredibly fascinating to me. But then it’s super computationally intensive which allows for arithmetic errors. These errors are frustrating and slow you down. Why must it be this way?


As many of you know we bought a brand new car at the beginning of this month. Last week we drove it to Arizona due to a family emergency.

Tomorrow we leave for Utah and a wedding. So the new car is at the dealership getting an oil change. It’s early, but I don’t want to mess with finding a dealership while on the road.

That brings me to my baby. My precious and trusty car for the last six years. My 200,000 mile 1996 Ford Mustang. I love that car and today while the new one is being serviced, I get to drive it.

She rattles like no other, she’s getting old. But she handles turns like a dream. She never hesitates and always gives me power and acceleration when I ask for it.

Long live the American Muscle Car.

MRKH Support Groups


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I am so grateful for my MRKH support groups. Unless you say something complete offensive or hurtful to others it’s a safe places to go. I can vent about my condition and how it affects my life without being judged. I don’t have to worried about my venting offending friends who don’t understand what it’s like, especially when jealousy about their non differences arise. Furthermore, it’s a great place to ask questions about medical procedures. I can ask really personally questions about surgeries and the like and everyone answers completely truthfully and is always so supportive. I’m thankful I found this group and for the friends I’ve made through it.

New Discoveries


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The things I’ve discovered today are as follows:

1) Shelter in place drills suck and make the halls really crowd after the all clear.

2) The polar coordinate system is never going to go away. I must remember x= r cos(theta), y= r sin(theta), theta=arctan(theta), cos=x/r, and sin=y/r.

3) Completing the square is never going away and I should remember how to do it. As is I always “relearn” it for a semester and forget again.

4) Always carry an extra hair tie. Mine broke today and I’m super nervous about walking around with it down. It’s gonna be an even bigger pain to brush tonight.

5) And finally, my dream job after college would be to come back and work in the Math Lab at OCCC. I know almost all of the math professors here. I just love this college and I’d like to give back to it by help future students. I’ve had such a positive experience here and I want to share that experience with others.


I’ve been debating on whether or not I should write this post.

Yesterday marked the eighteenth anniversary of my mom’s death. Eighteen years, I was nine when she died. It’s really hard for me to comprehend. I think it’s more so now, both because I’m older and because my dad is gone now too. 

I was always told that it gets better over time. But I think that certain losses don’t. I thinking the loss of my mom is one of those losses for me. My dad was great, he raised me single handedly and there wasn’t anything we couldn’t talk about. However, as I got older, I longed to talk to my mom. There were questions that I had for her and there are just somethings that only moms have the answers for. I just wanted her to be there, I still want her to be here now. 

I don’t talk about her much, because I was so young and for most of my memories she was sick. And I feel guilty about that. I feel guilty about fighting with her all the time the last two years of her life. I was an idiot child, I didn’t understand why she need my help all the time, she was the mom. She was supposed to do stuff for me, not the other way around. You see my mom had her legs amputated when I was seven. And I think looking back I resented that she couldn’t do “normal” mom things. 

That makes me a horrible person, or more a horrible child. But I was confused and scared, and I pray that she realized this. My biggest fear is that she died thinking that I hated her. 

I was definitely mad at her. I was maddest at her after she died. She didn’t take care of herself, she wouldn’t take her medicine and I hated that. And I questioned if it was my fault. Was I that bad of a daughter that she didn’t want to life to have to put up with me? Was my dad that bad of a husband? And you think as a child, if I was better behaved, if I’d cleaned my room when she told me to, if I’d gotten better grades, she’d have tried harder to take care of herself. 

The truth of course is that my mother had two illnesses, she was a diabetic and she suffered from depression. The doctors will tell you that her body went septic due to kidney failure from not controlling her diabetes. I tell you the truth, she committed suicide. She was depressed and the doctors couldn’t see it through the other health problems. But at nine I didn’t know what depression was, and the doctors weren’t going to listen to me even if I had known. All I knew was that my momma was sad and in pain.

And I know that we loved her and that she loved us, but sometimes that’s just not enough.

She loved me enough to have me sent to California on a vacation trip while she was having her first amputation. And I know she hated it when I was shuttled between caregivers because she was in the hospital and nursing homes for physical therapy and Daddy was working nights. I know now that she thought she was a bad mom and that she probably believed that she failed as a mom. 

As an adult I can say that we both felt guilty her before her death and I after her death. We both felt that we failed the other. We didn’t fail each other. More then anything in this world, I’d like to get the chance to tell her that. That we were both wrong. And that I love her. 

I Didn’t Get My Pants


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It’s 7am on a Saturday and Husby and I are both up. What’s wrong with us? Personally I think it’s left over adrenaline from buying our new car. That was a huge decision for us to make. The plan had been to wait another year. However, a series of events yesterday lead to the change of plans.

I know I know, how did I go from just wanting a pair of pants to being the owner of a 2015 Nissan Versa?

Well, my beloved and trusty steed, know as my Ford Mustang, had one too many break downs yesterday. We’d been valiantly keeping her going and she’s still running. However, Husby had to take me to work yesterday.

The Mustang’s exhaust fell off on my way home from class yesterday. So, I was going to drive my winter car, my Rodeo. Well it refused to crank. Husby’s truck hasn’t been running right so I didn’t want to risk it.

So, he came home on lunch to take me to work. On the way to my work we heard a crunch. We broke a tire rod end. So, how did I get to work? The farm truck that barely goes highway speed. Hence why I didn’t take it in the first place.

That’s right three of the technically four vehicles we own malfunctioned yesterday. They all have around 200,000 miles on them and are at least 20 years old. Until now we’ve been able to kick them back to life.

But it would have taken awhile to kick the three back. And the money I’d been saving to buy something new wouldn’t have fixed them. So we used it to make a down payment on a new econo box. It’s not the car I was saving for, but it’s something reliable with a ridiculously low interest and payment.

Turns out our credit scores were better than I thought. But I still don’t have my new pants.


I Just Want Some Pants


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So we kept having emergencies and having to use the emergency credit card. Well, we’ve been using my paycheck to pay on it. And every month my paycheck won’t quite cover the balance. But guess what? I paid the card off today and have more than $20 left from my check. The bad news for me? That “extra” money is going pay my tuition. Dang it, I just wanted a new pair of jean capris since my other pair got ruined at work. 😦