For me the month of May is not an easy one. It seems the older I get the harder the month gets. I have had a blessed life. I found a man that I will spend the rest of my life with. I have been able to go to college. There is always a roof over my head and our electricity is always turned on. We have fresh drinking water. We are going to be able to open our home to children in need.
Open our home to children in need…. We are so blessed that we can do this. But it’s also the part the reminds me of what I don’t have. And that’s where the month of May comes in.
Today would have been my mother’s 54 birthday. This year will mark the 20th anniversary of her death. I was eight years old. As I get older I miss her more than I ever thought possible. There are so many things I’d like to ask her. To tell her. And so the month starts out with a reminder of what is missing.
And then next weekend is Mother’s Day. Twenty years of not celebrating with my mom. It wasn’t until recently that I realized exactly what that meant. Not being able to celebrate Mother’s Day with her. Oh Mother’s Day, how I dislike that day. It is a dual reminder of what I have missing in my life. I cannot give birth to any children. So Mother’s Day is a reminder to me of two things I am missing. I can’t celebrate with my mom and at 28 I can’t celebrate with children.
Now I know that there is more to life then being a mother. But the one thing that I always wanted to be when growing up was a mom. And I do a pretty darn good job of not dwelling in the what I don’t have. But it’s harder now that I am older. And it’s May. So, I have to spend half of April and two weeks of May being reminded of what I don’t have. Both without my mother and being childless.
But May’s not over after Mother’s Day. Oh no, then there’s Memorial Day. The day that most people think is national BBQ day or something. But that’s the day we all should reflect on those who have gone before us.
I am not just motherless, I am also fatherless. My dad has been gone for three years. And so it provides another day of reflection of things lost. My dad was a great man.
I said it at the beginning and I will say it again. I have so much. I know I do. I know that the deaths of my parents do not define me. I know being childless does not define me. But the thing that I cannot explain to others is that as I get older these absences are harder to ignore.
And that’s ok. It’s ok to be sad for the things that are lost. It’s ok to mourn things that never were. There is not a time table on grief. There is no rule that says someone can’t mourn the lost of something that was never there. I’ll make it through the month of May. I’ll make it through all of the months, all of the days that serve as reminders. We all will.