Over the past few weeks it has become incredibly clear to me that there are people in my life who no longer want to be a part of it. Now this makes me sound really naive. But most of them I realized this awhile ago and I guess I just let things fade between us.
For those I feel I should have asked why our relationship had drifted. But I was admittedly trying to make a life with my husband. And I believe these people may have drifted because they didn’t approve of how I handled situations between myself and my husband. Or maybe they saw how astringent my personality is and decided we couldn’t continue our association. I guess I’ll never know.
But the developments of that last few weeks and the actions of some people have shown me how they really feel about me. Now my husband says that sometimes I read too much into things. But even he has to admit that in these new developments, the distancing and abrupt removal is baffling.
All the cases have brought out my inner child. And by that I mean feelings of inadequacy and abandonment that I thought I had overcome, are back. I try to tell myself that it’s their loss. This choosing to cut me out of their lives.
But the truth is, it’s a group loss. These are people I love. Some are actual family. So we lose out family ties. And any children my husband and I may one day have, have lost their kinship and it’s network.
I’ll be able to move on. But the hurt and the questions will never go away.
Is some of it my fault? Yes, but if you never voice your problem with a person, then they can never try to fix it. And who knows, maybe it’s something that I can’t or won’t change. Maybe they’ve distanced themselves due to my condition. Maybe they think it’s contagious. Maybe they think it makes me a freak.
If it’s the last option I don’t need or want them in my life. MRKH or Rokitansky Syndrome is not something I brought onto myself. It is how God made me.
If it’s my personality or my actions, I can understand their displeasure or their belief that I am wrong. However, I feel that we should have been able to discuss the difference in opinions. Not just sever ties without a word. Or worse the cold and quiet shoulder.
Whatever the case is/was they have made it clear that I and my extension my husband are not wanted in their lives. And now I guess the best way to move on is for us to live a happy and fulling life. Building the dreams and family that we want, and not looking back in regret.