Killing It

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Today I am definitely killing it. I’m almost done with the laundry. I’m also nearly finished with the last paper for my Modern American Women history class. I also got on the stationary bike and burned off my breakfast. I also remembered to start thawing the Italian sausage for spaghetti tonight. And Husby and I are hitting the gym tonight for leg day.

And I discovered there is no excuse for not working out. Here’s why:

I did three sets of eight calf raises while in the shower washing my hair and face. So I got to thinking where else could I add exercise in my daily routine?

Well as a college student I have to wait for the crosswalk light a lot. So, there’s another opportunity for calf raises. I can speed walk even if I’m not running late. Last night I learned that I can walk a  15 minute mile. I’ll definitely be putting that knowledge to use. And of course there’s always the obvious, take the stairs instead of the elevator.

What are some ways you have incorporated spots of exercise into your daily routine? I’m interested in adding more.

OK Maybe I am a Feminist 

When Abortions Stopped Making Sense

I read this article, Link posted above. And it got me thinking, about how things are and abortions. I just had to write not so much a response, as just getting my thoughts down. I may need to analyze them again later. 

I’m inclined to be like if you don’t want to get pregnant, take the pill, use a condom, or just not have sex. But there are problems with that. 
Abortion is a hard subject for me. My desire for personal freedoms wars with a jealousy toward woman who use abortion as a form of birth control when I am not even given an option of whether I want to be pregnant or not. I see these women as throwing away something that I would give my life for. I also see it as going against my religious beliefs. 
However, I am not so naive as to thinking that there’s not a medical necessity for abortions. I am not so naive as to think that all pregnancies are the result of sex. Some pregnancies are the result of rape. Women make the decision to have abortions for a verity of reason that I cannot begin to understand. 

I do know, as a historian that in the past thousands of women died from improper abortions or from pregnancies were an abortion was medically necessary, but illegal. Bottom line though? I agree with this woman in the fact that many women may feel that their only option is abortion. And that’s society’s fault. Why are we still frowning on unwed mothers? Last time I checked it takes two to make a baby. 

And feminist alert: the only one who can carry a baby is a female with a uterus. Now a man can just walk away and society doesn’t stigmatize him. But the woman is, she condemned for having unprotected sex, she is condemned for having an abortion, she is condemned for being an unwed mother. But the man? He’s walking around scot free probably getting another women pregnant. Maybe the issue isn’t abortions or sex or adoption or any of that. Maybe, just maybe, the issue is our society and our culture. Why after two waves of feminism are women still being condemned? Traditionalist against feminist who shun all things feminine and feminist against traditionalist who want to still be Susie Homemaker. Our common enemy isn’t men, it’s social norms.

Politics 

In case anyone has missed it, we’re facing another government shutdown over Planned Parenthood. Look ya’ll, this isn’t funny. A House of Representatives that cannot agree to the point of shutting everything down over birth control and abortion, is not a legislative body that is doing what it’s supposed to be doing. 
For me, with some exceptions that I’ve already stated, abortion is morally wrong. However, not everyone has the same moral compass I do. And it is not right of me to force feed another my views. But I don’t believe that birth control is wrong and Planned Parenthood provides these medications. They also provide yearly exams for woman. Are they selling fetus parts? I don’t really know, and yes that’s wrong. And I say defund them if they are, unless the mother is giving consent. We adults who are organ donors are along our bodies to be cut up. 
Sorry tangent. This is a ridiculous thing to be shutting the government down over. Birth control and abortion are things the government should have nothing to do with. Not all members are doctors. So they don’t have the training. 
But what really bothers me that I don’t think people understand is, if they can tell women what to do with their bodies than what else can they do?

Inducing Lactation 

TMI: disclaimer, some may find this offensive. They may also be completely disinterested in reading about the steps I will be taking to be a mother. Therefore, if breastfeeding, the talk of breastfeeding and other personal stuff offends you please just keep scrolling. 
I have not started induced lactation and I won’t for probably another year. But Chrissy is my hero. Her progress has given me hope that when the time comes, I too will be able to breastfeed a child. 

As she says it probably won’t be enough to feed my child soly on my breast milk. And I’m ok with that, at least it will have been something. 

Anyway, to learn more on how to induce lactation check out Chrissy’s blog. 

http://chrissyandlee.weebly.com/our-journey/inducing-lactation-world-breastfeeding-week 

The Face of Infertility 

I would like to take a moment to ask ya’ll to roll play or use your imaginations. If you aren’t married please imagine that you are. 
Now imagine that you and your spouse have been married for a few years and that you want to start a family. Imagine it’s the one thing that you want most in the whole world. 
Now imagine that you can’t, that no child will ever be born as as a symbol of your love without the help of modern medical science. 
Now imagine that the two of you have decided to use medical science. Now imagine you’re told that insurance doesn’t cover any of it. Not the office visits, not the medications, not the medical procedures, not the lab work, nothing, none of it. 
But you and your spouse are determined and you thrift and save and do everything so that you can have this baby. But it’s hard and you fight and getting gas to go to work makes you think twice. You stop buying even the most simple of things. You discover what really is a necessity as opposed to a luxury. 
And then after all of that, after you’ve made the decision to continue and you start your basic rounds of medication, you discover there are fees outside of the package price that you nearly broke yourself to find. 
You’re about to start, all your ducks are in a row and then you find out that you need another $5,250 and you need it now. In a week you start serious medication that cost $3,000. All out of pocket. 
Is you heart racing? Are you scared? Are you maybe going to have a panic attack? Are you about to cry? 
For millions of couples this very scenario is their reality. This is mine and my husband’s life right now. This is what we live everyday and everyday we pray that there’s a miracle and we can find away. 
This is what infertility looks like. It looks like fear, anger, desperation, and heartbreak. But there is always always hope, and that hope hides and shields a lot of shed and unshed tears. 

Healthy Ovaries

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Well I got a hold of my mother in law. So now I can share with everyone. 
NO I AM NOT PREGNANT!

  While I am not pregnant and never will be, I got awesome news during my appointment with our RE. Dr. Craig was finally able to see my ovaries on an ultrasound. She counted a total of eight little black dots, so eight eggs are visible without stimulation. 

This means that as soon as my blood work comes back in two weeks I should begin my medication to have eggs removed. We will be coordinating with Dr. Craig’s schedule, but retrieval will probably be 10-12 weeks from now. 
This is huge news for us. We have been working for two years to get to this point. It’s also very personal for me, as the journey to just see my ovaries as literally been painful. Also, for me this is science and love telling my first OBGYN that she was wrong. Twelve years ago that woman told me that I would never have a biological child. 
OBGYN and RE clinics are not happy places for me, but today that changed. 
And now because I’m weird and I’ll never get an ultrasound shot of a little peanut shape that means there’s a baby inside me. I’m going to share the totally awesome shot of one of my healthy ovaries.
  

  

The Month of May

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For me the month of May is not an easy one. It seems the older I get the harder the month gets. I have had a blessed life. I found a man that I will spend the rest of my life with. I have been able to go to college. There is always a roof over my head and our electricity is always turned on. We have fresh drinking water. We are going to be able to open our home to children in need.

Open our home to children in need…. We are so blessed that we can do this. But it’s also the part the reminds me of what I don’t have. And that’s where the month of May comes in.

Today would have been my mother’s 54 birthday. This year will mark the 20th anniversary of her death. I was eight years old. As I get older I miss her more than I ever thought possible. There are so many things I’d like to ask her. To tell her. And so the month starts out with a reminder of what is missing.

And then next weekend is Mother’s Day. Twenty years of not celebrating with my mom. It wasn’t until recently that I realized exactly what that meant. Not being able to celebrate Mother’s Day with her. Oh Mother’s Day, how I dislike that day. It is a dual reminder of what I have missing in my life. I cannot give birth to any children. So Mother’s Day is a reminder to me of two things I am missing. I can’t celebrate with my mom and at 28 I can’t celebrate with children.

Now I know that there is more to life then being a mother. But the one thing that I always wanted to be when growing up was a mom. And I do a pretty darn good job of not dwelling in the what I don’t have. But it’s harder now that I am older. And it’s May. So, I have to spend half of April and two weeks of May being reminded of what I don’t have. Both without my mother and being childless.

But May’s not over after Mother’s Day. Oh no, then there’s Memorial Day. The day that most people think is national BBQ day or something. But that’s the day we all should reflect on those who have gone before us.

I am not just motherless, I am also fatherless. My dad has been gone for three years. And so it provides another day of reflection of things lost. My dad was a great man.

I said it at the beginning and I will say it again. I have so much. I know I do. I know that the deaths of my parents do not define me. I know being childless does not define me. But the thing that I cannot explain to others is that as I get older these absences are harder to ignore.

And that’s ok. It’s ok to be sad for the things that are lost. It’s ok to mourn things that never were. There is not a time table on grief. There is no rule that says someone can’t mourn the lost of something that was never there. I’ll make it through the month of May. I’ll make it through all of the months, all of the days that serve as reminders. We all will.

Gay Marriage

This my response to this article:

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2015/04/28/will-not-obey-christian-leaders-threaten-civil-disobedience-if-supreme-court/
I am a follower of Christianity. I believe that there is a God and that he sent his son as our prophet to forgive us our sins. 
I also believe that He is a loving God. Yes I’ve read Leviticus. But I do not believe that God is going to damn a bunch of my friends and family to hell because of who they chose to love. 
Also, I feel that these preachers and their followers are a bunch of hypocrites. These men and women who plan civil disobedience against gay marriage. I find I have a problem with their need to pick and choose parts of the Bible as they are relevant to their purposes. 
Let me first start off with that in the U.S. until the late 1950s there was an unspoken taboo about divorce. Women especially were labeled harshly for having been divorced. Prior to about 1956 there had to be fault before a divorce. Someone had to be insane, an adulterer, abusive, or straight up abandoned their family to be able to divorce. But divorce did exist President Andrew Jackson was married to a divorced woman. But it was preached against. 
What does this have to do with gay marriage? I wonder how many of those who have signed this document are divorcees? Because Mathew 19:7-9, how many have divorced because it “just didn’t work out?” Well they and you have sinned. Jesus commanded that we not divorce, he repealed the laws of Moses. Hmmm… I bet a lot of people forgot those verses. Or the stink the churches made when the courts made divorce easier. Remember how that was supposed to destroy American values and American civilization? Now you can get a divorce about as easily as you buy a hamburger at McDonald’s. 
So if they’re going to stand against gay marriage they should probably take a stance against divorce, oh wait… That’s right, oops. They can’t, they’d alienate the majority of their followers. Well, crap for them. 
Let me end by saying this, I am not without sin. None of us are therefore let us follow Jesus once again. This time John 8:3-11. There has been much debate of whether this nation was founded to be a Christian nation. I won’t get into that. I will note that it was founded to maintain a separation of church and state. The government cannot favor one religion over another. Therefore, gay marriage is a civil rights issue. A Supreme Court that supports gay marriage is a Supreme Court that is upholding American values. In this case the value of personal liberty. 

Stained Glass Craft

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As many of you have probably seen there’s a stained glass children’s craft floating around the inter webs. I’d like to share how we did ours at church this morning. 

But first here’s a list of supplies:

  • Picture frame
  • Glitter glue
  • Suction cups
  • Toothpicks
  • Food coloring(the liquid kind)

Now take your picture frame and remove the back. Ideally your frame will have had a removable hanging bracket. The bracket may look like this:

 

Next slip the bracket over the glass and then secure the glass back to the frame using the little brads that are on the frame already. As you can see I secured the bracket with a brad. 

Now lay the frame face down on a protected surface. Now you’re going to cover as much of the frame as possible with the glitter glue.  

 

Next pick a food coloring color and drop one drop of it where ever you’d like. We swirled each color before adding another in a different area. Unless you are trying to make a color don’t drop different colors in the same place.  

 

  
Now just continue adding color until your glass is as full as you’d like it to be. We then added some more glue on top of our colors and swirled everything one last time. This is because we discovered so of the food coloring was trying to run. Now just allow the piece to dry for 24-48 hours before you hang it up. 

Here’s some of our finished work.  

         

I want to know if you make one. And special thanks to Sara at Bitz and Giggles for originally sharing the idea. Stained Glass

National Infertility Week and Dads

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I am a woman who suffers from a very special type/case/reason of infertility. I have MRKH. I was born without a uterus, cervix, or vagina. I was born with ovaries. I will never be able to carry my own child. Surrogacy is our only option for a biological child. To add to my struggle, I have a low ovarian reserve. So even if I’d been born with all the necessary parts, We’d still be struggling for a child. 

Now that I’ve given a little background I want to share on a topic that’s early discussed. The effect of infertility on men. In our case how MY infertility effects my husband. He’s pretty tight lipped about it, but I would still like to share. 

The following is a copy of an email he sent me when I asked him how he felt. 
I am tired of watching my wife hurt. 

Some of this is selfish. When people say or post things to social media that remind her of the reality of her condition, I am the one that has to deal with the fallout. They antagonize her but I pay the price, because I’m the one person who won’t judge her for lashing out. At least not in the way most people will. 

But in large part it is because this is the one thing that I cannot get for her. The unique experience of motherhood that so many people describe in front of her in glowing terms, knowing full well that she cannot have it in the sense that they do, is something I can never provide for her. So she hurts, and goes on hurting, and I can do nothing.  

I do not have the fixation on heirs or biological children that some people do. That said, I had a vague idea that surrogacy existed before we were married and thought it likely we would be able to take advantage of it, so I am not the victim that some of my relatives have made me out to be. I knew what I was getting into. I knew that there was most likely a way that we could have children that were biologically ours, and that is exactly what a man that does not have fertility problems can expect.  

Personally fathering children is not considered by society to be a rite of passage for me, and in that sense our infertility doesn’t affect me as much. This is what my wife means when she says that I don’t care, and in that sense she is correct. The social stigma is not there. 

But I care when she hurts. And I can’t silence all of the ignorant people in the world. Notions of ‘war on women’ in society are overblown, but it amazes me that people who have diseases that are largely their own faults are exempt from judgment, but a woman with fertility issues is somehow a failure or less of a person. And somehow it’s considered perfectly acceptable to make comments like this directly to their faces.

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