The Month of May

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For me the month of May is not an easy one. It seems the older I get the harder the month gets. I have had a blessed life. I found a man that I will spend the rest of my life with. I have been able to go to college. There is always a roof over my head and our electricity is always turned on. We have fresh drinking water. We are going to be able to open our home to children in need.

Open our home to children in need…. We are so blessed that we can do this. But it’s also the part the reminds me of what I don’t have. And that’s where the month of May comes in.

Today would have been my mother’s 54 birthday. This year will mark the 20th anniversary of her death. I was eight years old. As I get older I miss her more than I ever thought possible. There are so many things I’d like to ask her. To tell her. And so the month starts out with a reminder of what is missing.

And then next weekend is Mother’s Day. Twenty years of not celebrating with my mom. It wasn’t until recently that I realized exactly what that meant. Not being able to celebrate Mother’s Day with her. Oh Mother’s Day, how I dislike that day. It is a dual reminder of what I have missing in my life. I cannot give birth to any children. So Mother’s Day is a reminder to me of two things I am missing. I can’t celebrate with my mom and at 28 I can’t celebrate with children.

Now I know that there is more to life then being a mother. But the one thing that I always wanted to be when growing up was a mom. And I do a pretty darn good job of not dwelling in the what I don’t have. But it’s harder now that I am older. And it’s May. So, I have to spend half of April and two weeks of May being reminded of what I don’t have. Both without my mother and being childless.

But May’s not over after Mother’s Day. Oh no, then there’s Memorial Day. The day that most people think is national BBQ day or something. But that’s the day we all should reflect on those who have gone before us.

I am not just motherless, I am also fatherless. My dad has been gone for three years. And so it provides another day of reflection of things lost. My dad was a great man.

I said it at the beginning and I will say it again. I have so much. I know I do. I know that the deaths of my parents do not define me. I know being childless does not define me. But the thing that I cannot explain to others is that as I get older these absences are harder to ignore.

And that’s ok. It’s ok to be sad for the things that are lost. It’s ok to mourn things that never were. There is not a time table on grief. There is no rule that says someone can’t mourn the lost of something that was never there. I’ll make it through the month of May. I’ll make it through all of the months, all of the days that serve as reminders. We all will.

Gay Marriage

This my response to this article:

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2015/04/28/will-not-obey-christian-leaders-threaten-civil-disobedience-if-supreme-court/
I am a follower of Christianity. I believe that there is a God and that he sent his son as our prophet to forgive us our sins. 
I also believe that He is a loving God. Yes I’ve read Leviticus. But I do not believe that God is going to damn a bunch of my friends and family to hell because of who they chose to love. 
Also, I feel that these preachers and their followers are a bunch of hypocrites. These men and women who plan civil disobedience against gay marriage. I find I have a problem with their need to pick and choose parts of the Bible as they are relevant to their purposes. 
Let me first start off with that in the U.S. until the late 1950s there was an unspoken taboo about divorce. Women especially were labeled harshly for having been divorced. Prior to about 1956 there had to be fault before a divorce. Someone had to be insane, an adulterer, abusive, or straight up abandoned their family to be able to divorce. But divorce did exist President Andrew Jackson was married to a divorced woman. But it was preached against. 
What does this have to do with gay marriage? I wonder how many of those who have signed this document are divorcees? Because Mathew 19:7-9, how many have divorced because it “just didn’t work out?” Well they and you have sinned. Jesus commanded that we not divorce, he repealed the laws of Moses. Hmmm… I bet a lot of people forgot those verses. Or the stink the churches made when the courts made divorce easier. Remember how that was supposed to destroy American values and American civilization? Now you can get a divorce about as easily as you buy a hamburger at McDonald’s. 
So if they’re going to stand against gay marriage they should probably take a stance against divorce, oh wait… That’s right, oops. They can’t, they’d alienate the majority of their followers. Well, crap for them. 
Let me end by saying this, I am not without sin. None of us are therefore let us follow Jesus once again. This time John 8:3-11. There has been much debate of whether this nation was founded to be a Christian nation. I won’t get into that. I will note that it was founded to maintain a separation of church and state. The government cannot favor one religion over another. Therefore, gay marriage is a civil rights issue. A Supreme Court that supports gay marriage is a Supreme Court that is upholding American values. In this case the value of personal liberty. 

Stained Glass Craft

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As many of you have probably seen there’s a stained glass children’s craft floating around the inter webs. I’d like to share how we did ours at church this morning. 

But first here’s a list of supplies:

  • Picture frame
  • Glitter glue
  • Suction cups
  • Toothpicks
  • Food coloring(the liquid kind)

Now take your picture frame and remove the back. Ideally your frame will have had a removable hanging bracket. The bracket may look like this:

 

Next slip the bracket over the glass and then secure the glass back to the frame using the little brads that are on the frame already. As you can see I secured the bracket with a brad. 

Now lay the frame face down on a protected surface. Now you’re going to cover as much of the frame as possible with the glitter glue.  

 

Next pick a food coloring color and drop one drop of it where ever you’d like. We swirled each color before adding another in a different area. Unless you are trying to make a color don’t drop different colors in the same place.  

 

  
Now just continue adding color until your glass is as full as you’d like it to be. We then added some more glue on top of our colors and swirled everything one last time. This is because we discovered so of the food coloring was trying to run. Now just allow the piece to dry for 24-48 hours before you hang it up. 

Here’s some of our finished work.  

         

I want to know if you make one. And special thanks to Sara at Bitz and Giggles for originally sharing the idea. Stained Glass

National Infertility Week and Dads

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I am a woman who suffers from a very special type/case/reason of infertility. I have MRKH. I was born without a uterus, cervix, or vagina. I was born with ovaries. I will never be able to carry my own child. Surrogacy is our only option for a biological child. To add to my struggle, I have a low ovarian reserve. So even if I’d been born with all the necessary parts, We’d still be struggling for a child. 

Now that I’ve given a little background I want to share on a topic that’s early discussed. The effect of infertility on men. In our case how MY infertility effects my husband. He’s pretty tight lipped about it, but I would still like to share. 

The following is a copy of an email he sent me when I asked him how he felt. 
I am tired of watching my wife hurt. 

Some of this is selfish. When people say or post things to social media that remind her of the reality of her condition, I am the one that has to deal with the fallout. They antagonize her but I pay the price, because I’m the one person who won’t judge her for lashing out. At least not in the way most people will. 

But in large part it is because this is the one thing that I cannot get for her. The unique experience of motherhood that so many people describe in front of her in glowing terms, knowing full well that she cannot have it in the sense that they do, is something I can never provide for her. So she hurts, and goes on hurting, and I can do nothing.  

I do not have the fixation on heirs or biological children that some people do. That said, I had a vague idea that surrogacy existed before we were married and thought it likely we would be able to take advantage of it, so I am not the victim that some of my relatives have made me out to be. I knew what I was getting into. I knew that there was most likely a way that we could have children that were biologically ours, and that is exactly what a man that does not have fertility problems can expect.  

Personally fathering children is not considered by society to be a rite of passage for me, and in that sense our infertility doesn’t affect me as much. This is what my wife means when she says that I don’t care, and in that sense she is correct. The social stigma is not there. 

But I care when she hurts. And I can’t silence all of the ignorant people in the world. Notions of ‘war on women’ in society are overblown, but it amazes me that people who have diseases that are largely their own faults are exempt from judgment, but a woman with fertility issues is somehow a failure or less of a person. And somehow it’s considered perfectly acceptable to make comments like this directly to their faces.

Cutting Ties

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Over the past few weeks it has become incredibly clear to me that there are people in my life who no longer want to be a part of it. Now this makes me sound really naive. But most of them I realized this awhile ago and I guess I just let things fade between us.

For those I feel I should have asked why our relationship had drifted. But I was admittedly trying to make a life with my husband. And I believe these people may have drifted because they didn’t approve of how I handled situations between myself and my husband. Or maybe they saw how astringent my personality is and decided we couldn’t continue our association. I guess I’ll never know.

But the developments of that last few weeks and the actions of some people have shown me how they really feel about me. Now my husband says that sometimes I read too much into things. But even he has to admit that in these new developments, the distancing and abrupt removal is baffling.

All the cases have brought out my inner child. And by that I mean feelings of inadequacy and abandonment that I thought I had overcome, are back. I try to tell myself that it’s their loss. This choosing to cut me out of their lives.

But the truth is, it’s a group loss. These are people I love. Some are actual family. So we lose out family ties. And any children my husband and I may one day have, have lost their kinship and it’s network.

I’ll be able to move on. But the hurt and the questions will never go away.

Is some of it my fault? Yes, but if you never voice your problem with a person, then they can never try to fix it. And who knows, maybe it’s something that I can’t or won’t change. Maybe they’ve distanced themselves due to my condition. Maybe they think it’s contagious. Maybe they think it makes me a freak.

If it’s the last option I don’t need or want them in my life. MRKH or Rokitansky Syndrome is not something I brought onto myself. It is how God made me.

If it’s my personality or my actions, I can understand their displeasure or their belief that I am wrong. However, I feel that we should have been able to discuss the difference in opinions. Not just sever ties without a word. Or worse the cold and quiet shoulder.

Whatever the case is/was they have made it clear that I and my extension my husband are not wanted in their lives. And now I guess the best way to move on is for us to live a happy and fulling life. Building the dreams and family that we want, and not looking back in regret.

Adoption

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The original plan was to write this as a Facebook post and just tag Husby in it. However, I realized that it may become too long for Facebook and thus would have almost no reads. I am hoping in this format I can share on Facebook and then have friends and family message me. Of course any polite, non judgmental public reader response would be most appreciated. With that being said, here goes.

I was born with MRKH it’s a genetical condition that in the simplest explanation means I was born with out a uterus. I have ovaries so IVF and GS are options that Husby and I are working toward.

There is of course another option. One that Husby and I feel called upon to take its option as well. This option of course being adoption. There are some many children in need of homes and loving families in this world. We want to be one of those families. However, the road to adoption is vet confusing and we’re not sure we’re to turn. The internet is actually a hindrance here. There are so many scam sites.

That is the reason for this post. We asking for help. We know how to go about adopting from the state, but what other adoption avenues are there? We’re not saying we don’t want a child from our state agency, we’re saying we don’t trust our state department of child welfare. And we don’t feel comfortable dealing with them. So what are our other options? How do we even start the process? How do home inspections work? How do they handle it if you have in-door out-door large breed dogs?

Can anyone help to point us in the right direction?

Marriage in the Modern Age

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I feel like in this digital age we’ve forgotten how to communicate.

You see Husby thinks I call and text him too much while he’s at work. And maybe I do. And to be fair he never calls me, although that could be because I can’t talk on my phone at work. But anyway, that’s another discussion.

My problem is that I feel that when he as at work and talking to me on the phone is the only time I have his full attention. There are so many distractions at home and in the car. But not so much at work. I sent an email to his work email today. iPhones have this nifty feature that tells you when someone has read their text message. Three read text messages and no response. So I sent him an email with the same question. Still no response. And I’m getting frustrated. All I want is for him to go pick up dog food since he gets off work an hour before I would.

I find it increasingly harder to get him to listen and then to remember what I’ve said. If were to ask him to repeat what I said five minutes later, he couldn’t do it. And I believe that it’s because of all of the distractions that we have. I was trying to talk to him last night in the car and I glance over and he’s playing on his phone. So unbelievably frustrating.

Marriage Today, Happy Wives Club, and Dating Divas all talk about how we as women should nurture and support our husbands. Show them how much we love and respect them and appreciate all that they do for our families. How we should make it our priority to be enthusiastic when they get home from work. But what about us? Why do men not have to show respect, attentiveness, and appreciation for all that their wives do?

I work two jobs and go to school part-time. I get home after Husby does. I do go into work later, but I have class before work. I get home an hour after he does and I still prepare dinner nearly every night. The nights that I don’t we eat out.

Husby does not greet me when I walk in the door, he’s either playing on the computer or working on his research. He does not even notice if I’m going in the door late, but you know if I failed to notice such things I’d fail as a wife. He does not thank me for preparing dinner. So I ask, why should I think him for “earning” the food if he doesn’t thank me for making it safe to eat?

Why is it that as wives we are supposed to maintain the late 19th/ early 20th century ideal of the perfect wife when times have changed? It’s just a hard pill to swallow that I am expected to do work outside the home and still maintain a perfect home life. And I’m supposed to listen to him and be respectful and not interrupt. He however can interrupt me all he wants and can do things that don’t give me his 100% attention.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Put the electronics away and talk to each other. No TV or radio in the background, no cellphones in hand. Let’s see how much better we can listen to each other. And maybe we can find this new place for husbands and wives in a world where we both have work outside of the home and where we share the work with inside the home.

Mathematics

I have a love/hate relationship with math. Some days I get mad because the topics don’t seem to have real world applications. So I wonder why I am learning them. Other days, like today, the topic is so incredibly fascinating to me. But then it’s super computationally intensive which allows for arithmetic errors. These errors are frustrating and slow you down. Why must it be this way?

Mustang

As many of you know we bought a brand new car at the beginning of this month. Last week we drove it to Arizona due to a family emergency.

Tomorrow we leave for Utah and a wedding. So the new car is at the dealership getting an oil change. It’s early, but I don’t want to mess with finding a dealership while on the road.

That brings me to my baby. My precious and trusty car for the last six years. My 200,000 mile 1996 Ford Mustang. I love that car and today while the new one is being serviced, I get to drive it.

She rattles like no other, she’s getting old. But she handles turns like a dream. She never hesitates and always gives me power and acceleration when I ask for it.

Long live the American Muscle Car.

MRKH Support Groups

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I am so grateful for my MRKH support groups. Unless you say something complete offensive or hurtful to others it’s a safe places to go. I can vent about my condition and how it affects my life without being judged. I don’t have to worried about my venting offending friends who don’t understand what it’s like, especially when jealousy about their non differences arise. Furthermore, it’s a great place to ask questions about medical procedures. I can ask really personally questions about surgeries and the like and everyone answers completely truthfully and is always so supportive. I’m thankful I found this group and for the friends I’ve made through it.

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