Mine and my husband’s parents, at least on our mothers’ side, farmed. Our mothers worked on the farm along side their parents and siblings. But they decided to move off the farm and built lives in the city. But my husband and I both have memories of driving tractors and doing child appropriate farm chores. Why am I sharing this? Because as most of my readers know, we bought a five acre track of land with the intention of moving out of town to get away from ridiculous city ordinances. What started out as away to escape the noise and the pressure has turned into an idea of having a small subsistence farm with the hope that it one day may turn profitable.

The problem is of course, being two generations off the farm, other than knowing how to plant a garden, drive a tractor, care for and prepare chickens, and run barbed wire fence, Husby and I know absolutely nothing. And with many of our family members thinking we’re stupid city people, there are few people to ask advice from. But as I get older the desire to return to the farm and to grow things with my own hands grows stronger. The fields of corn I drive past to go to work make me wistful, and the tractors I have to slow down for on the state highways while at work make me wish I was behind the wheel of a piece of off-highway equipment, not my work truck.

This journey that we have decided to travel down, starting first with a half acre of vegetable gardening and a few fruit trees and working up to chickens and then hopefully pigs or goats, is not going to be easy and we’re going to screw up a few times. That’s why we’re going to keep our day jobs for awhile, though Husby will probably always keep his. We’re also going to have to commute farm for awhile since we have no house out there yet and can’t afford to build one just yet since we bought the land free and clear. But even if all we ever have is some chickens and a garden patch, I can be happy, knowing that we tried.

Married to a Genius


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My husband is a brilliant man. He is an aerospace engineer currently working on his PhD in aerospace engineering. The man can do incredible things. He can explain to you why different planes use different propellers and engines. He can tell you the difference between a Prat and Whitney and a General Motors engine, well if you’re a citizen of the United States anyway. He can tell you how a gearbox inside an airplane engine fails. He can tell you how expensive it is to sent a satellite into orbit and how much different launch types will cost.

My husband can also rebuild a car engine. I’ve watched him replace every single part of a four wheel drive front end in less than two days. I saw him repair a car the should not have even been operable any longer and help a friend get a few thousand more miles out of that car. He’s a wiz at brake jobs, tire and brakes shops aren’t as quick as he is by himself. And oil changes, the only reason the quick lubes are faster is because they have the pits.

Yes I am a lucky girl. I married a man who in less than five years of marriage has been able to supply us with two new, not going to break down, cars were the only maintenance we now do is of routine and not overhaul verity. Because of his capabilities I can go to college myself full-time and only work part-time.

All of that brilliance, people sing his praise and they remind me of how lucky I am that he fell in love with me. A technical high school drop out, who when we met was working as a housekeeper at the local hospital. That soon to be college grad took a liking to me. And they wondered at his decision. But they do not openly question it because of his brilliance in other matters.

Now he is about to get that PhD and I am finally about to get a bachelor’s degree. But I am still several rungs below him on brilliance and worthy scale, even eight years after we first met.

I wish I could say that I thought my husband was as brilliant as all those other people say he is. I wish that I could do my Christianly wifely duty and keep my mouth shut and not complain about the man who provides for me. But I just have to tell someone, even if no one reads this and it just goes off into Internet Neverland. In my opinion my husband is actually quite stupid. And his brilliance in other areas has guaranteed that he did not have to build up intelligence else where.

And granted it’s not stupidity really although that’s the best descriptor I have for this phenomenon. You see he is so brilliant, so tied up in his world of technology and computers that he cannot see the real world. Or rather the other world, the one in which we mere mortals must reside. He literally throws fits and gets very angry when ask him to join this other world. Take tonight for instance. Something occurred that always occurs. I asked him as, I had been responsible for the task all day, if he would feed the dogs. And he got very angry. He got angrier when the dogs began to misbehave. Occurrences that do not take place when I preform the task. But it starts a fight. Because I do not understand how such tasks are beneath him, but not beneath me.

I am also tired of fact that the only way I can have conversations with this man and his brilliance is to have fights with him. Or to suffer through how apparently, he is not only a genius in his area of study, but mine too it would seem. In all of his brilliance, it seems that one is not allowed to have opinions different from him. And if you do have different opinions, he takes delight in belittling you of your ideas. And it can be quite frustrating.

And I realize that seemed to be a random tirade, but it had a purpose. You see my point is, that no one sees his faults except for me. And reader or Internet Neverland, you too are bound to believe that I am wrong and he is right. It is part of his brilliance. No one ever sees literally or figuratively, his bad side. That is reserved for me in our home. And so if I were a dumber woman I would be the victim of gas lighting. Because you see he tries to twist my words and my feelings and tries to contrive to show that things are my fault. I was overtly sensitive, I deliberately interrupted his state, any of those excuses. And they would work on someone else. That someone would be someone who could not see passed the brilliance. If I were any other woman I would be blinded by his brilliance and never see beyond that to the flawed and broken man underneath. So I take the criticism of being less, of being intolerant, and even of being the abusive one. Because dear reader and Internet Neverland, you see he has hoodwinked you. My husband, this brilliant man, the possible Einstein of our age, has gas lighted the world.

Killing It


Today I am definitely killing it. I’m almost done with the laundry. I’m also nearly finished with the last paper for my Modern American Women history class. I also got on the stationary bike and burned off my breakfast. I also remembered to start thawing the Italian sausage for spaghetti tonight. And Husby and I are hitting the gym tonight for leg day.

And I discovered there is no excuse for not working out. Here’s why:

I did three sets of eight calf raises while in the shower washing my hair and face. So I got to thinking where else could I add exercise in my daily routine?

Well as a college student I have to wait for the crosswalk light a lot. So, there’s another opportunity for calf raises. I can speed walk even if I’m not running late. Last night I learned that I can walk a  15 minute mile. I’ll definitely be putting that knowledge to use. And of course there’s always the obvious, take the stairs instead of the elevator.

What are some ways you have incorporated spots of exercise into your daily routine? I’m interested in adding more.

OK Maybe I am a Feminist 

When Abortions Stopped Making Sense

I read this article, Link posted above. And it got me thinking, about how things are and abortions. I just had to write not so much a response, as just getting my thoughts down. I may need to analyze them again later. 

I’m inclined to be like if you don’t want to get pregnant, take the pill, use a condom, or just not have sex. But there are problems with that. 
Abortion is a hard subject for me. My desire for personal freedoms wars with a jealousy toward woman who use abortion as a form of birth control when I am not even given an option of whether I want to be pregnant or not. I see these women as throwing away something that I would give my life for. I also see it as going against my religious beliefs. 
However, I am not so naive as to thinking that there’s not a medical necessity for abortions. I am not so naive as to think that all pregnancies are the result of sex. Some pregnancies are the result of rape. Women make the decision to have abortions for a verity of reason that I cannot begin to understand. 

I do know, as a historian that in the past thousands of women died from improper abortions or from pregnancies were an abortion was medically necessary, but illegal. Bottom line though? I agree with this woman in the fact that many women may feel that their only option is abortion. And that’s society’s fault. Why are we still frowning on unwed mothers? Last time I checked it takes two to make a baby. 

And feminist alert: the only one who can carry a baby is a female with a uterus. Now a man can just walk away and society doesn’t stigmatize him. But the woman is, she condemned for having unprotected sex, she is condemned for having an abortion, she is condemned for being an unwed mother. But the man? He’s walking around scot free probably getting another women pregnant. Maybe the issue isn’t abortions or sex or adoption or any of that. Maybe, just maybe, the issue is our society and our culture. Why after two waves of feminism are women still being condemned? Traditionalist against feminist who shun all things feminine and feminist against traditionalist who want to still be Susie Homemaker. Our common enemy isn’t men, it’s social norms.


In case anyone has missed it, we’re facing another government shutdown over Planned Parenthood. Look ya’ll, this isn’t funny. A House of Representatives that cannot agree to the point of shutting everything down over birth control and abortion, is not a legislative body that is doing what it’s supposed to be doing. 
For me, with some exceptions that I’ve already stated, abortion is morally wrong. However, not everyone has the same moral compass I do. And it is not right of me to force feed another my views. But I don’t believe that birth control is wrong and Planned Parenthood provides these medications. They also provide yearly exams for woman. Are they selling fetus parts? I don’t really know, and yes that’s wrong. And I say defund them if they are, unless the mother is giving consent. We adults who are organ donors are along our bodies to be cut up. 
Sorry tangent. This is a ridiculous thing to be shutting the government down over. Birth control and abortion are things the government should have nothing to do with. Not all members are doctors. So they don’t have the training. 
But what really bothers me that I don’t think people understand is, if they can tell women what to do with their bodies than what else can they do?

Inducing Lactation 

TMI: disclaimer, some may find this offensive. They may also be completely disinterested in reading about the steps I will be taking to be a mother. Therefore, if breastfeeding, the talk of breastfeeding and other personal stuff offends you please just keep scrolling. 
I have not started induced lactation and I won’t for probably another year. But Chrissy is my hero. Her progress has given me hope that when the time comes, I too will be able to breastfeed a child. 

As she says it probably won’t be enough to feed my child soly on my breast milk. And I’m ok with that, at least it will have been something. 

Anyway, to learn more on how to induce lactation check out Chrissy’s blog. 

The Face of Infertility 

I would like to take a moment to ask ya’ll to roll play or use your imaginations. If you aren’t married please imagine that you are. 
Now imagine that you and your spouse have been married for a few years and that you want to start a family. Imagine it’s the one thing that you want most in the whole world. 
Now imagine that you can’t, that no child will ever be born as as a symbol of your love without the help of modern medical science. 
Now imagine that the two of you have decided to use medical science. Now imagine you’re told that insurance doesn’t cover any of it. Not the office visits, not the medications, not the medical procedures, not the lab work, nothing, none of it. 
But you and your spouse are determined and you thrift and save and do everything so that you can have this baby. But it’s hard and you fight and getting gas to go to work makes you think twice. You stop buying even the most simple of things. You discover what really is a necessity as opposed to a luxury. 
And then after all of that, after you’ve made the decision to continue and you start your basic rounds of medication, you discover there are fees outside of the package price that you nearly broke yourself to find. 
You’re about to start, all your ducks are in a row and then you find out that you need another $5,250 and you need it now. In a week you start serious medication that cost $3,000. All out of pocket. 
Is you heart racing? Are you scared? Are you maybe going to have a panic attack? Are you about to cry? 
For millions of couples this very scenario is their reality. This is mine and my husband’s life right now. This is what we live everyday and everyday we pray that there’s a miracle and we can find away. 
This is what infertility looks like. It looks like fear, anger, desperation, and heartbreak. But there is always always hope, and that hope hides and shields a lot of shed and unshed tears. 

Healthy Ovaries


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Well I got a hold of my mother in law. So now I can share with everyone. 

  While I am not pregnant and never will be, I got awesome news during my appointment with our RE. Dr. Craig was finally able to see my ovaries on an ultrasound. She counted a total of eight little black dots, so eight eggs are visible without stimulation. 

This means that as soon as my blood work comes back in two weeks I should begin my medication to have eggs removed. We will be coordinating with Dr. Craig’s schedule, but retrieval will probably be 10-12 weeks from now. 
This is huge news for us. We have been working for two years to get to this point. It’s also very personal for me, as the journey to just see my ovaries as literally been painful. Also, for me this is science and love telling my first OBGYN that she was wrong. Twelve years ago that woman told me that I would never have a biological child. 
OBGYN and RE clinics are not happy places for me, but today that changed. 
And now because I’m weird and I’ll never get an ultrasound shot of a little peanut shape that means there’s a baby inside me. I’m going to share the totally awesome shot of one of my healthy ovaries.


The Month of May


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For me the month of May is not an easy one. It seems the older I get the harder the month gets. I have had a blessed life. I found a man that I will spend the rest of my life with. I have been able to go to college. There is always a roof over my head and our electricity is always turned on. We have fresh drinking water. We are going to be able to open our home to children in need.

Open our home to children in need…. We are so blessed that we can do this. But it’s also the part the reminds me of what I don’t have. And that’s where the month of May comes in.

Today would have been my mother’s 54 birthday. This year will mark the 20th anniversary of her death. I was eight years old. As I get older I miss her more than I ever thought possible. There are so many things I’d like to ask her. To tell her. And so the month starts out with a reminder of what is missing.

And then next weekend is Mother’s Day. Twenty years of not celebrating with my mom. It wasn’t until recently that I realized exactly what that meant. Not being able to celebrate Mother’s Day with her. Oh Mother’s Day, how I dislike that day. It is a dual reminder of what I have missing in my life. I cannot give birth to any children. So Mother’s Day is a reminder to me of two things I am missing. I can’t celebrate with my mom and at 28 I can’t celebrate with children.

Now I know that there is more to life then being a mother. But the one thing that I always wanted to be when growing up was a mom. And I do a pretty darn good job of not dwelling in the what I don’t have. But it’s harder now that I am older. And it’s May. So, I have to spend half of April and two weeks of May being reminded of what I don’t have. Both without my mother and being childless.

But May’s not over after Mother’s Day. Oh no, then there’s Memorial Day. The day that most people think is national BBQ day or something. But that’s the day we all should reflect on those who have gone before us.

I am not just motherless, I am also fatherless. My dad has been gone for three years. And so it provides another day of reflection of things lost. My dad was a great man.

I said it at the beginning and I will say it again. I have so much. I know I do. I know that the deaths of my parents do not define me. I know being childless does not define me. But the thing that I cannot explain to others is that as I get older these absences are harder to ignore.

And that’s ok. It’s ok to be sad for the things that are lost. It’s ok to mourn things that never were. There is not a time table on grief. There is no rule that says someone can’t mourn the lost of something that was never there. I’ll make it through the month of May. I’ll make it through all of the months, all of the days that serve as reminders. We all will.

Gay Marriage

This my response to this article:
I am a follower of Christianity. I believe that there is a God and that he sent his son as our prophet to forgive us our sins. 
I also believe that He is a loving God. Yes I’ve read Leviticus. But I do not believe that God is going to damn a bunch of my friends and family to hell because of who they chose to love. 
Also, I feel that these preachers and their followers are a bunch of hypocrites. These men and women who plan civil disobedience against gay marriage. I find I have a problem with their need to pick and choose parts of the Bible as they are relevant to their purposes. 
Let me first start off with that in the U.S. until the late 1950s there was an unspoken taboo about divorce. Women especially were labeled harshly for having been divorced. Prior to about 1956 there had to be fault before a divorce. Someone had to be insane, an adulterer, abusive, or straight up abandoned their family to be able to divorce. But divorce did exist President Andrew Jackson was married to a divorced woman. But it was preached against. 
What does this have to do with gay marriage? I wonder how many of those who have signed this document are divorcees? Because Mathew 19:7-9, how many have divorced because it “just didn’t work out?” Well they and you have sinned. Jesus commanded that we not divorce, he repealed the laws of Moses. Hmmm… I bet a lot of people forgot those verses. Or the stink the churches made when the courts made divorce easier. Remember how that was supposed to destroy American values and American civilization? Now you can get a divorce about as easily as you buy a hamburger at McDonald’s. 
So if they’re going to stand against gay marriage they should probably take a stance against divorce, oh wait… That’s right, oops. They can’t, they’d alienate the majority of their followers. Well, crap for them. 
Let me end by saying this, I am not without sin. None of us are therefore let us follow Jesus once again. This time John 8:3-11. There has been much debate of whether this nation was founded to be a Christian nation. I won’t get into that. I will note that it was founded to maintain a separation of church and state. The government cannot favor one religion over another. Therefore, gay marriage is a civil rights issue. A Supreme Court that supports gay marriage is a Supreme Court that is upholding American values. In this case the value of personal liberty.