MRKH Support Groups

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I am so grateful for my MRKH support groups. Unless you say something complete offensive or hurtful to others it’s a safe places to go. I can vent about my condition and how it affects my life without being judged. I don’t have to worried about my venting offending friends who don’t understand what it’s like, especially when jealousy about their non differences arise. Furthermore, it’s a great place to ask questions about medical procedures. I can ask really personally questions about surgeries and the like and everyone answers completely truthfully and is always so supportive. I’m thankful I found this group and for the friends I’ve made through it.

New Discoveries

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The things I’ve discovered today are as follows:

1) Shelter in place drills suck and make the halls really crowd after the all clear.

2) The polar coordinate system is never going to go away. I must remember x= r cos(theta), y= r sin(theta), theta=arctan(theta), cos=x/r, and sin=y/r.

3) Completing the square is never going away and I should remember how to do it. As is I always “relearn” it for a semester and forget again.

4) Always carry an extra hair tie. Mine broke today and I’m super nervous about walking around with it down. It’s gonna be an even bigger pain to brush tonight.

5) And finally, my dream job after college would be to come back and work in the Math Lab at OCCC. I know almost all of the math professors here. I just love this college and I’d like to give back to it by help future students. I’ve had such a positive experience here and I want to share that experience with others.

Loss

I’ve been debating on whether or not I should write this post.

Yesterday marked the eighteenth anniversary of my mom’s death. Eighteen years, I was nine when she died. It’s really hard for me to comprehend. I think it’s more so now, both because I’m older and because my dad is gone now too. 

I was always told that it gets better over time. But I think that certain losses don’t. I thinking the loss of my mom is one of those losses for me. My dad was great, he raised me single handedly and there wasn’t anything we couldn’t talk about. However, as I got older, I longed to talk to my mom. There were questions that I had for her and there are just somethings that only moms have the answers for. I just wanted her to be there, I still want her to be here now. 

I don’t talk about her much, because I was so young and for most of my memories she was sick. And I feel guilty about that. I feel guilty about fighting with her all the time the last two years of her life. I was an idiot child, I didn’t understand why she need my help all the time, she was the mom. She was supposed to do stuff for me, not the other way around. You see my mom had her legs amputated when I was seven. And I think looking back I resented that she couldn’t do “normal” mom things. 

That makes me a horrible person, or more a horrible child. But I was confused and scared, and I pray that she realized this. My biggest fear is that she died thinking that I hated her. 

I was definitely mad at her. I was maddest at her after she died. She didn’t take care of herself, she wouldn’t take her medicine and I hated that. And I questioned if it was my fault. Was I that bad of a daughter that she didn’t want to life to have to put up with me? Was my dad that bad of a husband? And you think as a child, if I was better behaved, if I’d cleaned my room when she told me to, if I’d gotten better grades, she’d have tried harder to take care of herself. 

The truth of course is that my mother had two illnesses, she was a diabetic and she suffered from depression. The doctors will tell you that her body went septic due to kidney failure from not controlling her diabetes. I tell you the truth, she committed suicide. She was depressed and the doctors couldn’t see it through the other health problems. But at nine I didn’t know what depression was, and the doctors weren’t going to listen to me even if I had known. All I knew was that my momma was sad and in pain.

And I know that we loved her and that she loved us, but sometimes that’s just not enough.

She loved me enough to have me sent to California on a vacation trip while she was having her first amputation. And I know she hated it when I was shuttled between caregivers because she was in the hospital and nursing homes for physical therapy and Daddy was working nights. I know now that she thought she was a bad mom and that she probably believed that she failed as a mom. 

As an adult I can say that we both felt guilty her before her death and I after her death. We both felt that we failed the other. We didn’t fail each other. More then anything in this world, I’d like to get the chance to tell her that. That we were both wrong. And that I love her. 

I Didn’t Get My Pants

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It’s 7am on a Saturday and Husby and I are both up. What’s wrong with us? Personally I think it’s left over adrenaline from buying our new car. That was a huge decision for us to make. The plan had been to wait another year. However, a series of events yesterday lead to the change of plans.

I know I know, how did I go from just wanting a pair of pants to being the owner of a 2015 Nissan Versa?

Well, my beloved and trusty steed, know as my Ford Mustang, had one too many break downs yesterday. We’d been valiantly keeping her going and she’s still running. However, Husby had to take me to work yesterday.

The Mustang’s exhaust fell off on my way home from class yesterday. So, I was going to drive my winter car, my Rodeo. Well it refused to crank. Husby’s truck hasn’t been running right so I didn’t want to risk it.

So, he came home on lunch to take me to work. On the way to my work we heard a crunch. We broke a tire rod end. So, how did I get to work? The farm truck that barely goes highway speed. Hence why I didn’t take it in the first place.

That’s right three of the technically four vehicles we own malfunctioned yesterday. They all have around 200,000 miles on them and are at least 20 years old. Until now we’ve been able to kick them back to life.

But it would have taken awhile to kick the three back. And the money I’d been saving to buy something new wouldn’t have fixed them. So we used it to make a down payment on a new econo box. It’s not the car I was saving for, but it’s something reliable with a ridiculously low interest and payment.

Turns out our credit scores were better than I thought. But I still don’t have my new pants.

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I Just Want Some Pants

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So we kept having emergencies and having to use the emergency credit card. Well, we’ve been using my paycheck to pay on it. And every month my paycheck won’t quite cover the balance. But guess what? I paid the card off today and have more than $20 left from my check. The bad news for me? That “extra” money is going pay my tuition. Dang it, I just wanted a new pair of jean capris since my other pair got ruined at work. :(

I’m Not Gonna Make It!! (or Why I Can’t Stand the Feminist Narrative)

Copious amounts of alcohol are required to make it through this reading assignment.

Do feminist really believe this dog drivel? I am so glad I only have one more non major upper division elective left after this one.

Analytical math and theoretical math can in no way be contrived into something related to gender, race, or sexual preference. Thank goodness.

I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to go through 15 more weeks of this. But I need the A, so I guess I’ll pretend to be a ball crushing all men are evil feminist for the foreseeable future.

I wonder though, why feminist don’t realize how much power woman have and always have had.

I wonder why then don’t take pride in being seen as Jezebels? Or Eve tempting Adam to his down fall?

Women have always tempted men, we can use that temptation to get what we want. And I think a closer look at history will show that’s exactly what our foremothers did.

Feminists shun the housewife. Why is that? Housewives have so much power. That power trickles out from the home and into society.

I’ve said it before, but I’m always reminded in situations like this, modern feminists have no self esteem. I thinking they abhor housewives and “conventional” women because we do have self esteem.

You see those of us who don’t count ourselves as feminist don’t see men as soul crushing a*holes because we know our own self worth. If you know what you are worth no one can take that away from you.

Feminist think women like me place our value on whether or not we have a man. But in reality, that’s what they do. To them I am worthless because I allow a man to “control” aspects of my life.

And God forbid, I have sex with that man. I “believe” that I enjoy sex because patriarchal society demands I enjoy it. My body belongs to a man and centuries of indoctrination make me believe that giving into a man’s sexual desires are enjoyable.

What in h e double hockey sticks are these women smoking? It sounds like some incredibly good stuff. Where can I get some of that?

Anyway, better go finish reading this assigned article. And figure out how to lie about how much I liked it. And compare and contrast it to an equal dog drivel article. Le sigh

Dogs

For 21 years of my life, I’ve had dogs. My first dog, Lazy Lady Booboo was with me when my mom lost her legs and then her battle with diabetes. They sat with Husby and I for the bedside vigils my dad’s last week before he died. They laid next to him until the funeral home came and got his body. They were my shadows the days following his death. My point is my pups have always been then trying to help me feel better. Tonight is no exception, Charlie sat on the couch with me for awhile. He just got down to get a drink and Tramp took his spot. I’m stuck on the couch unless Husby helps me since I hurt my knee. I’m so thankful that I have the pups to keep me company. I don’t know anyone else who’d sit beside me for hours in silence just to give comfort.

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First Day of Class

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So I expected to see strong feminist leanings in a class titled; “Women in the American West.” I did not expect to see it on the very first day in the very first reading. Could we have eased into the whole “all men are scum who wish to oppress and objectify woman” narrative?

This phrase in the reading tells me all I need to know about how this class is going to go.

“…who find in her either a tool or a victim of Anglo-patriarchal oppression.”

“Anglo-patriarchal oppression”

I’m going to have a hard time keeping my mouth shut in this class. But I need the A and it’s all paper based assignments. There’s no memorizing anything. The two exams are take home exams and we get a week to complete them.

*Source Mirrored Archetypes The Contrasting Cultural Roles of La Malinche and Pocahontas
by Kristina Downs

Preparing For the Semester

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Operation get all the laundry done before bedtime has been completed. Now on to operations get all the dishes done by bedtime, get all the clean clothes put away by bedtime, and clean house by bedtime.

I want this all to be done in case my homework, work, football season, and ice skate lessons loads are so much, I only get once a week to clean.

Oh crap! I have do the weekly menu too!

It may seem like I’m over reacting, but I work until 6pm M-F and have classes M-F in the morning. My commute is such that there will not be much time between the two for studying. Which will leave the evenings.

I already know that the homework load for my math class will be insane. And I’m not sure my boss will let me work on homework between deliveries. The reading and paper writing he might. The calculus? Not likely.

And I know I should be seeing to my chores right now, but a girl needs a break.

I love to the Moon and Mac and Cheese

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So I was super craving mac and cheese, but too lazy to cook some. Well, we didn’t have the stuff to make any, anyways. So, we drove to Walmart and bought my favorite frozen version. Then Husby saw the beautiful moon and wanted a picture. So we drive out past the city lights so I could get a picture for him. Then we came home, totally forgetting we were going to get McDonald’s chicken nuggets to go with our mac and cheese. So we turn around and head to get nuggets. Now we are going something we never do, eating in the living room. We’re about to watch some classic Smurf episodes. Husby and I truly complete each other. We drove to opposite ends of town to obtain what the other wanted tonight and we didn’t think twice about the requests.

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